masturbation as meditation 
to explore the recesses of the past 
those myriad experiences 
lodged in the nooks and crannies 

of my body 

a book store of sexual exploits 
looking for a new owner 
every couple days 

them days of the past 
when love me was the phrase haunting my rib cage 
and fuck me was the literal translation 

I have never wanted sex 

but I realized that 
my body was capital 
to be traded in for the next hit 
the next fix to this 
craving for affection 

please verify 
that I am worthy 
that I will not always be that fat kid 
that I am attractive 
that the softness of my belly 
does not offend you 
that I am more 

than a 
late night 
distraction 

but of course this last 
appealing of feeling 
was always the one 
held under the water 

drowning under the weight 
of confusion and actions 
just asking for disaster 

what is a condom 
when I have known you 
through hypothetical intuition 

maybe a little alcohol 
definitely a lot of adrenaline 
throw in a generous dosing of shame 
and online messages galore 
as our stamp of legitimacy 

it's not a hook up 
if you eat food together 
it's not a hook up 
if you sleep the night over 
it's not a hook up 
if you never directly initiate 
it's not a hook up if 

wait 

with every stroke of my hands 
I relive these tall tales telling me 
with pinpoint accuracy 
reasons why I can relate 
to the population I work for 

I have never lived your life 
but I have been there 
that place understood 
as 
wanting no more 
but not knowing how to say it 

no backbone because being alone 
is just slightly more terrifying 
than all those STDs I've heard about and 
and 
and 

them days from ago 
long but not far away 
them days i can so intimately recall 
reciprocity not an expectation 

it was almost taboo 

because when all you are 
is a receptacle for someone else's lust 
getting an orgasm yourself 
is not on the agenda 

never a bullet on the plan 

never ever 
never ever 

never stretching into forever 
of intentional accidents 
and little things becoming 
so important 

i associate penetration with pain 

there is no pleasure 
to be gained 
from being skewered 

no pleasure to be gained 
from any of these men 
who do not see you 
who do not see me 
as human enough for 
small acts of decency 

the day I was actually asked 
if I wanted to felt 
like a divine hallelujah 

a couldn't be happening wonderland 
a chance to choose 
without any fear of losing 

but what was I really afraid of? 

:

I can go around the world 
and look at the externalities 
blaming them each and every day 
for torturing me 

however that will only cause me 
to die a little bit more inside 
every time the coin of memory flips 

which side will it show 
heads or tails 
treats or tricks 
I don't know 

and I am tired of not knowing 
as it stops me from 
growing 
glowing 
and flowing 

I am tired of being 
less than I can be 
which is free 

so I do strive passionately 
to forgive yet never forget 
to manifest 
a holistic understanding 
of accountability for me 
and this multidimensional 
intersectional Truth 
that has me no longer yelling 
from the roof but 
meditating mindfully 
with mediation and more 

as I find peace across and within 
all my Time and all my Space 
I am not running a race 
I am be coming my self 
at my own natural pace 

starting all the way over 
at the root 
at the base 
knowing the energy of redness 
and letting go 
of my bitterness 
and hate

September 22nd, 2015

:

December 12th, 2021

Isa Lee Love Jones René